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Of course, she disabled the alarms and knew how to keep the signal in place, The file Natasha provided him with spoke of plenty of skill sets 'the winter soldier' acquired through all the brainwashing hydra claimed to be training. It set more bile threatening to overwhelm him but he swallowed it all down.
Darling.
The endearment cut like a knife, especially the tone this Peggy used to speak it, nothing at all like her former self. "We can go to mine, I have more intel there that might be of service to you." If she wanted to keep things more professional between them then so be it he could attempt the same thing.
Turning on his heel, he started out of the base and towards where he hid his motorcycle to bring them to the unmarked building he set himself up in.
She had stowed away in the back of a van to get here, not giving much thought to the method of transport she'd use to leave the facility; she'd simply assumed she would be leaving with him. So she followed Steve out to his motorcycle, wasting no time in seating herself behind him.
Wrapping her arms around his waist was a gesture that might have been intimate in other situations, but she had been largely desensitised to such things over the years; physical touch was a tool, another weapon in her arsenal. She knew enough to see what other people read into such things, but didn't feel them herself; she knew what normal was, but such things were beyond her reach. (They were weaknesses, she'd been told over and over. They'd cut her open and made sure that she wouldn't have weaknesses, that she'd be the perfect weapon.)
At least she didn't have to talk as the wind rushed past them. She didn't have to explain, didn't have to try and pick shards of memories out of her mind and end up with nothing to show for it but bloody hands. Other people might have thought about how secure he was as a bulwark against danger, how protected they felt. She was her own protection, her own danger, her own demise.
Dozens of thoughts plagued him as he brought them over to his motorcycle and slid on. Her arms around him almost seemed like home for a moment but he remembered quickly to not fall into the depths of memories. The Peggy behind him held very little of the woman he knew and had loved with every single ounce of his being. A kind of love he never found with anyone else, nor did he want to. Peggy had been it for him and spending the rest of his life alone seemed the better option than trying to piece his patchwork heart back together to hand over to someone else.
The wind whirled past them on the way to the safehouse, Steve's heart pounding so wildly in his chest he wondered if she could hear it above all the other noises. The contents of the file rushed back over him but could it all be true? It seemed impossible one person had been capable of so much, brought about so much complete horror.
They arrived after an hour and a half, Steve killing the engine and waiting for her to slide off before he did the same, putting the kickstand into place. "We can talk safely here and I have some food if you're hungry." Did the Winter Soldier need to eat or drink? He made his way inside, believing she would follow him.
Little did he know, the file was only the tip of the iceberg. It contained only the most obvious operations, the assassinations that had been ordered by the KGB. Her work for HYDRA had been more delicate - not always a single well-placed bullet. Sometimes poison, sometimes seduction, sometimes one leading to the other. In more recent years, it had involved electronics more than human assets, but she remained as dangerous as ever.
"Have you got any tea?" Some habits, it seemed, were bone-deep, and unable to be burnt away in the crucible that had remade her. "And I'll take some food, too." Of course she needed to eat; she had the same serum (or mostly the same serum) running through her veins, increasing her metabolism. She could put away a truly impressive amount of food, given the opportunity. Settling down in a chair, she crossed one leg over the other, looking as prim and proper as ever, smoothly put together, without a single hair out of place.
The door he made sure to lock and chain behind them as more of a force of habit than from the belief of security. In their world, they would never be safe if certain forces wanted to have a way in. All the wards in the world would never stop it but Steve still held onto old habits. The ones which existed before the serum and long before the labeling of Captain America. He wished for the past sometimes even more at the moment than usual.
Wordlessly, he moved through the tiny kitchen, setting a kettle onto the oven and preparing the tea. The lines blurred between the past and present, remembering all too well how many times they had done the very same thing during the war.
Once he finished, he set the teacup in front of her and some food, mostly beans, bread, cheese and dried fruit. All things easy to store and what would keep a little longer.
"How long have you been following me? What was the goal here, Peggy?"
She stirred sugar into her tea delicately as she weighed the words in her head. Her mind was still a treacherous place, and it often felt like she was perched precariously on the blade of a sword: danger on either side of her, while clinging to sanity sliced her to shreds.
"I was keeping you safe," she said finally. "All throughout Europe, I've been watching you. Always staying two steps ahead of you, making sure you didn't stumble into anything you couldn't handle. There are experiments out there-" Not just the super-soldiers in Siberia; she'd heard rumours of others, of the scientists delving into different areas. Nothing concrete, but she was positive there were creations out there that might even cause a super-soldier some difficulty.
She took a thick slice of bread and some cheese and set to with very little delicacy. She was hungry; she hadn't lied about that. And having her mouth full made it harder to answer questions, which was a definite plus.
"I'm not their creature anymore." The words were quiet, but firm, and she held his gaze as she said it. She didn't know who or what she was, but she was very much adamant about that.
Keeping him safe? It had to mean something, right? Perhaps he foolishly wanted to hold onto any strand of connection he could find but Peggy meant everything to him and nothing had changed the fact. Not even looking through the file or being told the accounts of what she took part in. It didn't matter because it hadn't been her, which no one seemed to understand whatsoever. The brainwashing soldier they turned her into completed the horror, not the Peggy Carter he fell in love with.
Rubbing along the back of his neck, he gazed off in the distance for awhile before he turned back to her and responded. "I kept thinking I saw something out of the corner of my eye but I couldn't let it distract me from what I was trying to do." Mostly, trying to make his way back to her. Hadn't it always been the case since they first met one another?
"You never were, Pegs. You were never theirs and that is how you're here now with me," he added in softly, moving over to get more of the food to set on the table in case she wanted it.
"If you felt that way about me, you must remember more than you want to admit to."
"I don't-" She rubbed at her temples as a fierce pain knifed through her head. "I don't know what I remember." And trying too hard to bring the memories back brought physical pain. While she'd been taught to ignore the pain from injuries in the course of her work, the headaches brought on by probing too hard at her memories were debilitating. As much as she wanted to push past them, she couldn't - and she'd tried to the point where the pain made her vomit.
"But I wasn't going to let you get hurt on my account. You don't deserve that." Or, rather, she didn't deserve someone who was determined enough to let himself get injured trying to save her.
Although the use of her nickname made her flinch, she didn't correct him - she didn't have anything else to go by. A long string of aliases when she'd been working, but no name. She didn't feel comfortable using one anymore, didn't feel like she had an identity. She'd become a ghost - albeit a ghost who was steadily working her way through Steve's food supplies. Though at this point, it was probably better if she stopped eating; if Steve kept on pushing at her memories, then she didn't want to make herself sick.
With what Steve knew already about what HYDRA had accomplished with her, the memories would be murky and downright out of reach in some circumstances. But they would have to come back, right? HYDRA hadn't destroyed them, just pushed them so far down to not exist readily. At least, he had to believe they could work at recovering everything. The alternative hurt too badly, especially when Peggy deserved to have her life back.
Looking at her for a moment, he tried to wrap his mind around her being there in he first place. It still held a dream-like quality to all of it. "It'll take time - there might be some people who can eventually help you with your memories. People I know..." There were a lot of people he knew who worked with sciences.
"I wouldn't have gotten hurt. At least, not for long. I heal pretty quickly," Steve reassured, moving around the safehouse to double check they had enough for a couple of days. The weapons were carefully out of view but easily accessed just in case.
He managed to look over at her again just as she flinched. "Does that hurt you? My saying certain things?"
"That doesn't mean you have to be completely reckless." Her tone was tart, something almost reminiscent of the woman she'd been before. "You don't always have to be a bull in a china shop, you know. You can accomplish the same goal without alerting everyone in the entire bloody country to your presence." The very English curse sounded strange in an American accent.
She cupped the mug in her hands for a moment, letting the heat seep through her fingers. "The memories hurt." Just being around him was enough to make her head ache, but she could work through that. Particular memories that insisted on trying to resurface hurt more. "I don't- I haven't had a name for decades. I don't know who I am anymore." I can't be the woman you want, she thought, but didn't say.
Despite the very obvious reprimand and lecture, a smile tugged at Steve's lips. A shadow of familiarity but he knew better than to find too much comfort in it when it all might disappear in a blink of an eye. "Never been much of a spy but not from lack of trying on the part of others," Steve responded, giving a good natured shrug of his shoulder. "The serum wasn't really built for it."
"You have time to figure it out now," Steve responded, trying to not pace around or look too uneasy. "It'll probably be easier the longer you spend away from the programming. It'll be - a painful process but should - get there. I remember reading some things about memory loss and gain. It's blocks in the mind but they can be unlocked. There's some things to help." He paused and then added, "Like plums."
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stardustly2018-01-01 05:57 pm
no subject
Darling.
The endearment cut like a knife, especially the tone this Peggy used to speak it, nothing at all like her former self. "We can go to mine, I have more intel there that might be of service to you." If she wanted to keep things more professional between them then so be it he could attempt the same thing.
Turning on his heel, he started out of the base and towards where he hid his motorcycle to bring them to the unmarked building he set himself up in.
no subject
Wrapping her arms around his waist was a gesture that might have been intimate in other situations, but she had been largely desensitised to such things over the years; physical touch was a tool, another weapon in her arsenal. She knew enough to see what other people read into such things, but didn't feel them herself; she knew what normal was, but such things were beyond her reach. (They were weaknesses, she'd been told over and over. They'd cut her open and made sure that she wouldn't have weaknesses, that she'd be the perfect weapon.)
At least she didn't have to talk as the wind rushed past them. She didn't have to explain, didn't have to try and pick shards of memories out of her mind and end up with nothing to show for it but bloody hands. Other people might have thought about how secure he was as a bulwark against danger, how protected they felt. She was her own protection, her own danger, her own demise.
She was still afraid that she'd be his downfall.
no subject
The wind whirled past them on the way to the safehouse, Steve's heart pounding so wildly in his chest he wondered if she could hear it above all the other noises. The contents of the file rushed back over him but could it all be true? It seemed impossible one person had been capable of so much, brought about so much complete horror.
They arrived after an hour and a half, Steve killing the engine and waiting for her to slide off before he did the same, putting the kickstand into place. "We can talk safely here and I have some food if you're hungry." Did the Winter Soldier need to eat or drink? He made his way inside, believing she would follow him.
no subject
"Have you got any tea?" Some habits, it seemed, were bone-deep, and unable to be burnt away in the crucible that had remade her. "And I'll take some food, too." Of course she needed to eat; she had the same serum (or mostly the same serum) running through her veins, increasing her metabolism. She could put away a truly impressive amount of food, given the opportunity. Settling down in a chair, she crossed one leg over the other, looking as prim and proper as ever, smoothly put together, without a single hair out of place.
no subject
Wordlessly, he moved through the tiny kitchen, setting a kettle onto the oven and preparing the tea. The lines blurred between the past and present, remembering all too well how many times they had done the very same thing during the war.
Once he finished, he set the teacup in front of her and some food, mostly beans, bread, cheese and dried fruit. All things easy to store and what would keep a little longer.
"How long have you been following me? What was the goal here, Peggy?"
no subject
"I was keeping you safe," she said finally. "All throughout Europe, I've been watching you. Always staying two steps ahead of you, making sure you didn't stumble into anything you couldn't handle. There are experiments out there-" Not just the super-soldiers in Siberia; she'd heard rumours of others, of the scientists delving into different areas. Nothing concrete, but she was positive there were creations out there that might even cause a super-soldier some difficulty.
She took a thick slice of bread and some cheese and set to with very little delicacy. She was hungry; she hadn't lied about that. And having her mouth full made it harder to answer questions, which was a definite plus.
"I'm not their creature anymore." The words were quiet, but firm, and she held his gaze as she said it. She didn't know who or what she was, but she was very much adamant about that.
no subject
Rubbing along the back of his neck, he gazed off in the distance for awhile before he turned back to her and responded. "I kept thinking I saw something out of the corner of my eye but I couldn't let it distract me from what I was trying to do." Mostly, trying to make his way back to her. Hadn't it always been the case since they first met one another?
"You never were, Pegs. You were never theirs and that is how you're here now with me," he added in softly, moving over to get more of the food to set on the table in case she wanted it.
"If you felt that way about me, you must remember more than you want to admit to."
no subject
"But I wasn't going to let you get hurt on my account. You don't deserve that." Or, rather, she didn't deserve someone who was determined enough to let himself get injured trying to save her.
Although the use of her nickname made her flinch, she didn't correct him - she didn't have anything else to go by. A long string of aliases when she'd been working, but no name. She didn't feel comfortable using one anymore, didn't feel like she had an identity. She'd become a ghost - albeit a ghost who was steadily working her way through Steve's food supplies. Though at this point, it was probably better if she stopped eating; if Steve kept on pushing at her memories, then she didn't want to make herself sick.
no subject
Looking at her for a moment, he tried to wrap his mind around her being there in he first place. It still held a dream-like quality to all of it. "It'll take time - there might be some people who can eventually help you with your memories. People I know..." There were a lot of people he knew who worked with sciences.
"I wouldn't have gotten hurt. At least, not for long. I heal pretty quickly," Steve reassured, moving around the safehouse to double check they had enough for a couple of days. The weapons were carefully out of view but easily accessed just in case.
He managed to look over at her again just as she flinched. "Does that hurt you? My saying certain things?"
no subject
She cupped the mug in her hands for a moment, letting the heat seep through her fingers. "The memories hurt." Just being around him was enough to make her head ache, but she could work through that. Particular memories that insisted on trying to resurface hurt more. "I don't- I haven't had a name for decades. I don't know who I am anymore." I can't be the woman you want, she thought, but didn't say.
no subject
"You have time to figure it out now," Steve responded, trying to not pace around or look too uneasy. "It'll probably be easier the longer you spend away from the programming. It'll be - a painful process but should - get there. I remember reading some things about memory loss and gain. It's blocks in the mind but they can be unlocked. There's some things to help." He paused and then added, "Like plums."