stardustly | general memes

[ magnus looks at alec now, and there's a trace of fondness in his frown, like alec is managing to charm him even while being persistent about magnus' avoidance.

it's just been a long time since he's experienced this. someone caring so stubbornly. it makes him want to reach out and touch alec's face, but instead he pulls his hand back, resting them both loosely between his legs. it's easier to keep them to himself than risk watching alec remove his hand from his. ]

You know what happened to my mother. [ it's more a statement than a question. ] How she took her own life.

[ waiting as patiently as possible, alec looked up at magnus, trying to read the different emotions working over him at the moment. usually, magnus held such an easy air about himself, drifting back and forth through emotions effortlessly. a easy person to read, at least, for alec. but at the moment, things were murky and felt jumbled into a tightly wound knot. alec understood, of course, but he wanted to make it better somehow.

if only he knew what to do. ]

I remember. [ the words were murmured, his eyes never leaving magnus' face for a single moment. how anyone could look into magnus' eyes and want to leave him in such a permanent way? ]

[ it's slow going, because magnus is also feeling murky and jumbled and like everything he's built about himself is in a tightly wound knot. he likes displaying an air of ease, of comfort, of smoothly moving through things. and this is far, far from smooth. it's still painful all these years later, maybe more so when he has alec in his life now.

alec, who he cares about like he's never cared about anyone, looking at him so seriously. what if it changes everything, what if it's a side of himself alec can't just accept? he's so morally upstanding, magnus wouldn't blame him if his reaction was anger or even disgust.

he's used to it.

he takes a breath, urging himself to talk, to give alec a chance. ]

My step father found us. He said it was my fault, and that I'd done this to her. Called me an abomination.

[ he's looking down again, not at alec, and it's clear there's more, but clear that just that is enough of a memory to shake magnus. as a child, your parents are meant to be your heroes. ]

[ anger flashed within him on magnus' behalf because how could anyone be cruel to him? it made such little sense with what a beautiful heart magnus had and over something out of his control. he didn't ask to be born a downworlder but his level of compassionate continuously set him apart. ]

Hey. [ he murmured the word softly, trying to urge magnus to look up at him. ] You're not an abomination, Magnus. Nothing about you is.

[ for alec, magnus practically raised the moon and put all the stars in the sky. he only saw beauty, both inside and out. anyone who thought otherwise was wrong. knowing now magnus believed it made an ache clench in his chest. ]

[ magnus looks at alec, but he looks guarded. that's only part of the story. it's not the part that haunts him the most. it's not the part of the story that only supports what his step father was saying about him.

he wants to stop talking about this and tell alec he's sweet and kinder than any man he's ever known and let that be the end of that. but it would only be half of the truth, and alec deserves all of it for his patience. not only that, but magnus wants to be honest with him. it's important. this, this thing they have, it's more important than any relationship he's had. ]

I don't know about that, [ he says, shaking his head. he looks down again, because it's easier to do that when his throat feels so tight and tears burn in his eyes. ] I burned him. On the spot. I used... all the magic I had in me and I killed him.

[ now he definitely can't look alec in the eyes, too afraid to see him flinch and move back, too afraid to see alec look at him like the other shadowhunters do, like someone to fear and be disgusted by, someone worth less than the dirt on their shoes. so he stares down, wipes at his wet cheek with a hand and sniffs, almost expecting to quietly hear the door of his loft click shut. ]

[ the pain practically radiating off magnus told alec there were other parts to the story but he remained silent for the time being. he knew magnus needed time to gather his thoughts and navigate through is feelings. ones he kept hidden for so long, nonetheless. a feat he understood all too well because sometimes it felt easier to just bury things down than deal with the repercussions. besides, some things were too all consuming to handle alone.

but magnus needed to know he would never be alone again. he would be there through everything, no matter how difficult things became. they were a team.

rubbing his fingertips along magnus' arms, he paused when the man finally confessed the rest of the story. no wonder he felt so distraught and lost. ]

You were just a kid. [ alec whispered, cupping magnus' cheek to brush away the tears with his thumb. ] And you were hurt and betrayed. You just lost your mother and - [ He shook his head, trying to tilt magnus' face up to look at him. ]

You are beautiful and I'm sorry he didn't see that.

[ somehow, alec is still here. even after hearing the whole story. magnus looks up to look at him, thinking he must look like a mess, snivelling like this, and yet alec's calling him beautiful. knowing he murdered someone.

his hand comes to rest at alec's arm, and he feels all choked up again just from the sheer relief of getting that off his shoulders and of alec actually touching him in the after math. alec's hand on his face is warm and just the kind of reassuring comfort he wants right now.

but he has to keep being honest. and not excuse this. ]

Child or not, Alexander, I had this... this side of me, ever since I've been a child. [ a side that makes him ashamed of himself, because it's what the clave and shadowhunters always claim. that downworlders have an evil in them that is looking to hurt others, that they all, eventually, turn toward it. ]

I never wanted you to see it.

[ to be blamed for something so horrifying had to nearly hurt worse than the act itself. as just a kid, magnus lost his entire world and the look his eyes sometimes took on made sense now. the flash of hurt when even the hint of abandonment appeared all fit into place. he understood and needed to keep it in mind more for the future. he never wanted to add to the hurts and only wanted to help magnus, to have the man look at himself the way he saw him. ]

The only side I see is someone strong enough to overcome and become someone who helps others. You risk your life, Magnus, all the time and you're an example of what downworlders can be. Should be.

[ he shook his head, leaning up to press a kiss to magnus' cheek. ]

Downworlders aren't evil and neither are you. It isn't about what we are but what we decide to do with what we're given.

[ magnus has always had a fear of being alone, of being abandoned. those events set the ball rolling for them, and then the many years he lived since exacerbated it. there's camille, too, who took his heart and used it against him until she'd gone too far. after her, he never wanted to let anyone in that close again.

then he'd met alec. who is again displaying such maturity and steadfast support that magnus doesn't know what he did to deserve it. it feels unearned, when he's never felt it like this before.

he closes his eyes when alec kisses his cheek, a few more tears running down his face, but this time more of relief than anything. ]

Thank you, [ is all he can think to say, barely above a whisper. actually, there's something else he can think to say, something important: ] I love you.

[ one day he hoped magnus would see himself the way he did and trusted in his beautiful heart more. he knew the challenge there, though, when so many held a bias against the downworlders simply for existing in the first place. some feared them, while others just downright scorned them, in often a very vocal way. the council would hopefully bring about some sort of change in the dynamics and how everyone saw one another.

they needed to band together against common foes and enemies alike.

smiling softly at magnus, alec continued wiping his tears away, only pausing at the words. the three little words, which meant everything. breath hitching, his heart beat quicker in his chest. he never thought he would ever hear such words directed at him. for so long he hid behind so many walls and then he knew he could be difficult to deal with sometimes. but magnus made him feel special and as if there were so many possibilities for both of them. ]

I love you. [ the words were said before, of course, but at the moment it felt like the first time. everything felt newer. ] You're everything, Magnus [ standing up, he held out his hand for magnus to take. ] Come on, you should rest for a little while.

[ it does feel newer. perhaps for magnus it's a result of having let the very last of his armor down. of having torn down a wall he'd been building to hide himself behind. he feels vulnerable and open and almost shy. hesitant.

alec repeats the three words and some of the tightness in his stomach uncoils further. alec loves him. even after hearing what he's done. alec loves him. they're shadowhunter and downworlder, they're both men, one is immortal and the other isn't, magnus has done things he hates to remember, and yet they love each other. what could ever get in their way, after getting this far?

he swallows and nods, taking alec's hand and standing. ]

Okay, [ he says simply, free hand reaching to touch colorfully tipped fingers beneath his eye, wiping away the last of his tears. ] At least now I know my waterproof eyeliner works even without magic.

[ it feels right to say something light and amusing now. there's a huge weight off his chest, even if his voice still sounds hoarse and he still seems almost smaller than his usual self. he's not being as grand, taking as much room, encouraging as much attention. his movements are slower and lacking the usual extravagance. but it's okay. alec is leading him to go get some rest. he's safe here. ]

[ what could love endure? a question they really put to the test with how often life turned around them. they were sent so many curve balls but through it all, they only moved closer together. it reassured alec and he fully believed they could make it through anything. the alternatives never even crossed his mind because what would his life be without magnus? he gave him everything just from a smile and reaching out for him.

gripping onto magnus' hand, he started leading them towards the bedroom, a path he knew far better than he ever thought he would. falling asleep and waking up with magnus still felt like a novelty. ]

I'll mark that concern off my list. I really was worried. [ teasing came naturally with magnus and the air felt a little lighter with it now. magnus would be okay, they would be too.

gently, he pushed magnus towards the bed to sit down and he kissed the top of his head before he started taking his boots off along with magnus' shoes. ]

I have a few hours before I have to be back. But I can tell Izzy to cover things and stay the night with you.

[ the easy way with which alec responds to his light comment makes him smile. it feels good to smile with alec's hand in his own.

he sits where indicated, and magnus almost stops alec from working at his shoes, then relaxes his shoulders and lets it be. alec is taking care of him because he cares and he loves him. magnus told alec what he'd done as a child, a thing that he'd worked centuries to put aside, and was still here.

taking off his shoes for him. magnus reaches to card his fingers through alec's hair, softly, his voice quiet. ]

I don't want to ask you to shirk your duties for me.

[ but does he badly want alec to stay the night? yes, he does. it might show in his eyes, try as he might not to. he wouldn't blame alec or be upset with him if he chose to go back to the institute. there are a lot of things to take care of there, too. ]

[ a hint of a smile played at alec's lips as he considered the words because, of course, magnus would try and give him an out, knowing how much he valued his responsibilities. but thanks to magnus, he had slowly learned when to stick to things no matter what and when to let go. if he thought he needed to, he didn't need to grip so tightly onto everything all the time because of a fear of losing it all.

looking down at magnus now, he knew he couldn't leave him, not unless the world practically ended around them and even then, well. ]

I think they can handle one night without me. I'll call Izzy and she can take care of things. She'll keep Jace and Clary in check.

[ straight people and their high levels of constant drama - he'd never understand it. moving to his side of the bed, alec carefully sat down and settled back, opening his arms up for magnus. ]

Have you eaten anything tonight?

[ the way alec settles into the bed and opens his arms for him so easily makes magnus smile. he ducks his head a bit, almost embarrassed with how easy it was for alec to do that after the conversation they've just had.

he feels exhausted and drained, but... he's not alone. and alec wants him close.

he makes his way to him, fitting against him and into his arms. ]

Don't blame me if you return to the Institute being in ashes. [ after some shuffling he's fully settled, head on alec's shoulder. he feels safe. oddly. after being so vulnerable and open and sharing his deepest, darkest secret — he feels safe, warm, kind of content. some upset still tosses in his stomach, though, so he shakes his head. ] I confess I don't have much of an appetite, currently.

[ later on, they needed to talk about other things but for the time being, alec felt relieved at the closeness. to be there for magnus and prove to him he would never be alone again, something they both needed to learn to accept. no matter what happened, they had each other to make it through.

squeezing his arms around magnus, he let out a soft chuckle. ]

The Institute could stand some rebuilding and change. [ there were plenty of ideas roaming through his mind but he knew few would be happy with them at the start. ] Big breakfast in the morning, okay?

[ silence fell on his end for a few moments before he voiced - ] Do you think you could get away for a weekend?

[ it's... nice, to feel taken care of. it's not a feeling magnus is very accustomed to, not a feeling he allows with many. few are close enough to him to even get a chance to make him feel like this. it's been a long time since he's let anyone in.

and alec is something else. unlike anyone else he's known.

he pats alec's chest lightly, two or three times. ] Sounds good to me, Alexander. [ tomorrow, he'll eat. they can have breakfast together, which will surely help him actually eat. just like alec's presence here, and having told alec the truth, might help him sleep.

he leans back a bit to look at alec with raised eyebrows. ] Get away?

[ squeezing his arms around magnus a little, he couldn't help the light smile tugging at his lips. they went through so much to end up where they were but alec believed they could overcome anything. one way or another, they always found their way back and he never doubted they could, no matter what. things would be difficult, of course, but together they were far stronger than apart.

something he never thought he would ever think. ]

Yes, away from here. From clients, the Institute. All of it.

[ dating a warlock really cut down on flight fees. ]

[ that sounds so absolutely perfect to magnus. his heart aches at the thought that alec wants to do this, is suggesting it for the both of them. going away together and leaving this behind for a while... he hadn't realized how much he wanted it until alec's suggestion. ]

I never thought you'd be the one to suggest something like that, [ he starts, smiling softly to himself. it's meant to be playful, but it just sounds affectionate, almost touched. alec's heart is so big. he's always thinking about everyone else, how they're feeling, and what he can do to help. magnus wishes everyone else could see it and yet covets all the sides of it only he witnesses. ] I could shift my schedule around.

[ he might have some explaining to do, but he's so tired after all this. there's no harm in taking a weekend away from it all. ]

[ in all honesty, it surprised him a little to make the suggestion too but he figured magnus could use some time away. even if just a day to pull himself back together and cope more with his ordeal without everyone else gap at him or making the usual demands.

portal this, magnus. figure this out, magnus!

it never really ended and alec now understood the pressure now more than ever since he took over as head of the institute. ]

I'm full of surprises. [ hopefully, mostly in the good way. ]

I can make Izzy acting head and she'll keep things running. Jace and Clary will help her out. [ he pointedly refrained from mentioning sebastian since he didn't trust the guy at all. ]

[ always in the good way. alec takes magnus' breath away in multiple ways, this being one of them. putting his work aside to be with magnus for a weekend?

he thinks back to the alec he'd first met, how serious and quiet and intent he'd been on doing his duty to the sacrifice of his own happiness. how much alec has grown and changed and taken his own life into his hands, that takes his breath away.

he lifts his head, looking at alec with a fond, soft expression. ]

I think this is starting to sound like a plan, [ he says, lips quirked in a faint smile. his hand comes to touch alec's neck, thumb stroking the line of his jaw. tenderly. ] Thank you, Alexander. I know your work is important.

[ leaning into the touch for a moment, a sense of calmness descended on alec and he made sure to take the time to breathe in it. quiet moments were rare for them, especially now with the added pressure of being head of the institute. but they managed to make it work somehow - being on such opposing sides. at times, alec worried about it in the back of his mind but he tried to never dwell.

what would he do if it came between them and they realized they were at times fighting for very different things? alec wanted to do all he could for the downworld but as a shadowhunter he could only push so much and go so far. ]

You're important. [ the words were a long time coming and felt nearly liberating to express. to think, he once only concerned himself with duty and the honor to his family. ]

Where do you think you'd like to go? I'm giving you first choice.

[ magnus lets out a breath at those words. you're important. not only had he never expected to hear them from alec himself, but they've rarely been spoken to him so frankly. when he thinks back to the alec he first met, he never could have imagined they'd end up here.

he hoped. that much he won't deny. but it's even better than his hopes.

he kisses alec's cheek, letting his lips linger there. ]

Thank you, [ is all he can say, but all the gratitude in the world is in those words.

alec's shoulder becomes magnus' pillow once more, and he hums contemplatively, thinking of options. ]

Spain? Or france.

[ Being with Magnus still held a dream like quality to it because he never thought he'd find such a relationship for himself and certainly never considered he'd actually have the chance to be himself. There were still plenty of things he needed to work through, same with Magnus still but they supported one another throughout all the trials life tossed their way. Things would be nearly impossible if they were alone. Being on opposite sides of things would be a challenge as well but he accepted the downworld and didn't see them as lesser. The council would help there, hopefully.

Smiling softly at Magnus, Alec began to run a hand up and down his arm. ]

Paris kind of feels like our city by this point. Do you think some might see it as running away with everything going on? Valentine on the loose doesn't lend a lot of confidence my way. Not many are happy with my - advancement.

[ the touch at magnus' arm makes him smile in turn, even if what he's saying speaks of something that irritates him greatly. he doesn't like to hear about others not respecting alec and his position of authority. he doesn't like to hear some would diminish all he's accomplished because of who he's dating, as if alec wasn't the best leader they could have.

he'll allow himself to roll his eyes at the thought of someone thinking badly of them for taking a weekend to themselves. ]

If they do, that's because they'd be unhappy no matter what it is you choose to do. With a portal we can be back here in the blink of an eye, if there's an emergency. [ his expression softens, and he presses his cheek against alec's shoulder. ] I want to go to Paris with you. I think we deserve as much.

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