stardustly | general memes

Anytime we're in the privacy of my bedroom, is that better?

It's hard to argue with you when you're telling me these things with so much conviction. I want you to know all of me, but there are sides I've only been taught to hate. Sides that have resurfaced, making the pain new.
Can I ask for your patience?

[ magnus knows its not easy for alec to express these things, and he's very grateful of how hard alec tries. it's also very rare for him to hear such a stubborn reiteration that he's cared for, that his past, present and future are considered part of him and loved as well. alec is good at taking his breath away. ]

What about around the Institute?

I have a lot to make up for and I know that. I know. I know, Magnus. I just don't want you to doubt telling me about it. Whenever you're ready, I'll be here.

[ the guilt would remain for a long, long time and alec needed magnus to know he would never doubt again. he also needed him to know he would be there, no matter what. magnus meant the world to him and he should have known. he should have known so easily. ]

Oh, well, in all honesty I don't care where we are when I have your hands on me. That might be a little exciting.

It isn't solely on your shoulders, Alec. I know this. I know you would never do anything to hurt me. But there are memories on the surface now that I... want to share, but don't yet know how. Sides of me that I've worked to hide away.

[ magnus doesn't want alec to feel guilty. he understands and knows alec, and while it was torture not to be believed, to see alec look at him like that and slap his hands away, to — everything else, things he doesn't like thinking about, he knows if alec had not been raised the way he had he would have trusted his instincts more. it's awful, but alec wants to do better, so magnus does not hold it against him, nor does he blame him. ]

It might be a little forbidden but I have an office now.

You know I'll accept those sides, right? It isn't just you. I mean, there are parts of me I'm not --

You saw some of it. When you --

I'm sorry, Magnus. I can't ever make up for it but I want to try.

[ why did he have to listen to jace? to everyone else when it went directly against his own gut instincts? he needed to learn to trust himself, yes, but not doing so almost cost him magnus. he almost allowed - no, he couldn't even think of it without feeling a wave of sickness. ]

Whatever you need. You just tell me and you got it.

I could make sure no one walks in.

I do know, but it's harder for my heart to believe it when I've had them locked away for centuries. I know you understand. I see you for the brave and strong man you are for having come this far in the time I've known you.

For now, I just need you to be there. In my life.

[ it's really that simple. he may need time, but he doesn't want time away from alec. that would make matters worse. he likes being in his presence, around him, and magnus thinks the more time they spend together the more he can gather up the courage to tell him what's going on. what happened to him. all the things he's afraid to say or have been too difficult to speak of after reliving them like this. ]

One of the many perks, oh High Warlock of Brooklyn. We'd only have to worry about Izzy, really. She never knocks before entering a room.

I do understand, Magnus. I do. I just worry about -- you keeping things locked up for too much longer after what you went through. That's something you have to talk about.

I'm relieved. I thought you might want --

space.

[ a 'break' in their relationship, mostly, but it relieved him to hear magnus say he wanted them to stay together. it wouldn't be easy and there would be plenty of difficult times ahead of them, regardless. letting out a breath, he looked around his office for a moment. ]

You're strong, Magnus and whatever it is just remember you have made it past it. You have so many people who care about you. Even Jace.

Noted. Next time I come around for the wards, I'll need a meeting with the Head of the Institute. A private one.

I will. I want to. I've been guarded all of my life, but I don't want to be, with you.

From you? No, Alexander. I want you with me as much as I always do. [ even if it's complicated and a lot of feelings are caught up in him at the moment. he does know alec is more of an anchor for him. someone that grounds him. ]

You're sweet. Would Jace appreciate you using his name at a time like this?

I'm sure no one will pick up on the true intentions there or anything.

I don't want to be with you either. Guarded I mean. I have been too. It's still an adjustment to be me and be okay with that. I kind of understand in a way.

Are you sure? I'd understand if you needed any kind of space.

He should. It makes he seem more human and less robotic.

[ human as in expressing feelings because they weren't human in any other way. sometimes, he wondered how it would be to be purely human. then other times, he wondered how it would be to be something else. but the thoughts never lasted very long. ]

You'd be surprised.

Oh, I know he's not a robot. Just like you are not. You have a much larger capacity for caring for others than most, Alexander. I'm with you every step of the way in finding your way to be you and be okay with that.

You've been respectful of my space while still being around me, darling, and that's all I need. We need to be with one another to learn how to handle this together, don't you think? But thank you, for considering me. You amaze me.

[ he'll keep saying as much. alec is someone who cares so genuinely and loves so earnestly, it never ceases to touch magnus to see it, and even more so to have it directed toward him. after so many years of loneliness, it's unspeakable how grateful he is to know someone like alec and know him like this. ]

[ moving past a trauma took so much time and by the sounds of it, magnus never really dealt with any of his. how could someone move past centuries of suppressing things? if only he could find a manual to dealing with this kind of issue. ]

People wouldn't expect it of me, at least.

It's okay if you're still trying to find you too, Magnus.

Are you handling it? Because I don't think you are. You're not sleeping and I keep waking up in an empty bed. You need to talk about it, Magnus. Before it eats you up.

[ it will definitely take some time. but magnus feels like it's possible, with alec at his side. or he hopes it is, wishes it will be. he's afraid of showing this side of himself to alec, afraid of losing him like he's never been afraid of losing anyone, but... it's alec. he can trust him to be there. ]

Am I a bad influence? I can't say I mind the thought.

It's hard to sleep when you're reliving your worst memories. But I have lived with them for centuries, Alexander, and I have handled it so far.

[ handled it? more like avoided it but alec decided to keep such thoughts to himself for the time being. ]

Hold on a minute.

[ gathering up his things, alec headed to magnus' loft, knocking politely and waiting for the high warlock to let him in. while he waited, a thousand or so thoughts travelled through his mind, each one more troubling than the last but he knew they needed to talk. magnus needed to have that 'breaking down' moment to start to really heal properly. ]

[ he should have known that's what was happening, but somehow... when he opens his door, he's surprised to see alec there. like he didn't expect he would want to come all the way here just to see him when he's not doing so great. ]

Hi, [ he says, not really hiding that he's a little surprised, but stepping aside to let alec in. ] I didn't think I would get to see much of you today.

[ he does look pleased. he kind of wants to lean in for a kiss, but hovers close instead, a hand on alec's arm to welcome him into his loft. ]

[ for magnus, alec would do absolutely anything and he felt such a strong pull to such few people. there weren't many he risked everything for and he knew magnus needed to let go of things he held in for far too long.

walking into the loft, a tiny smile filled alec's face. and noticing the hesitation, he leaned in to give magnus a soft kiss. ]

I moved some meetings around. It'll be fine. [ he motioned for them to go and sit down. he knelt in front of magnus, placing light hands on his thighs. ]

We really need to talk, Magnus. I can tell how much this is hurting you and you have to let some of it go. Let me help. Let me be here.

[ magnus sits where guided, a hand coming to touch alec's idly, just fingers brushing over the back of his hand a moment. he's still completely torn between keeping this awful memory to himself and telling alec everything. still feels like the time isn't right, but it might be that the time will never be. it might be that he's just afraid.

afraid that alec will see in him what his step father saw. he's not sure he could stand seeing alec look at him like that.

he's not looking at him now, staring down at alec's hands instead. ]

I had already let it go. The agony rune — makes it all feel like it happened yesterday.

[ silence fell on his end as he waited for magnus to speak and work through what he needed to. no matter how long it took, he would be there and refused to leave, in fact, until they opened up about it. letting things fester made it worse in the long run and he didn't want magnus to fall into a hole he would never be able to climb out of. ]

But did you actually deal with it? It can be hard when we see the worst versions of ourselves in something. [ he picked up on some things, such as magnus' refusal to let him see his other eyes very much. ]

I know. That rune - but what are you reliving, Magnus? I'm not moving until you talk to me.

[ magnus looks at alec now, and there's a trace of fondness in his frown, like alec is managing to charm him even while being persistent about magnus' avoidance.

it's just been a long time since he's experienced this. someone caring so stubbornly. it makes him want to reach out and touch alec's face, but instead he pulls his hand back, resting them both loosely between his legs. it's easier to keep them to himself than risk watching alec remove his hand from his. ]

You know what happened to my mother. [ it's more a statement than a question. ] How she took her own life.

[ waiting as patiently as possible, alec looked up at magnus, trying to read the different emotions working over him at the moment. usually, magnus held such an easy air about himself, drifting back and forth through emotions effortlessly. a easy person to read, at least, for alec. but at the moment, things were murky and felt jumbled into a tightly wound knot. alec understood, of course, but he wanted to make it better somehow.

if only he knew what to do. ]

I remember. [ the words were murmured, his eyes never leaving magnus' face for a single moment. how anyone could look into magnus' eyes and want to leave him in such a permanent way? ]

[ it's slow going, because magnus is also feeling murky and jumbled and like everything he's built about himself is in a tightly wound knot. he likes displaying an air of ease, of comfort, of smoothly moving through things. and this is far, far from smooth. it's still painful all these years later, maybe more so when he has alec in his life now.

alec, who he cares about like he's never cared about anyone, looking at him so seriously. what if it changes everything, what if it's a side of himself alec can't just accept? he's so morally upstanding, magnus wouldn't blame him if his reaction was anger or even disgust.

he's used to it.

he takes a breath, urging himself to talk, to give alec a chance. ]

My step father found us. He said it was my fault, and that I'd done this to her. Called me an abomination.

[ he's looking down again, not at alec, and it's clear there's more, but clear that just that is enough of a memory to shake magnus. as a child, your parents are meant to be your heroes. ]

[ anger flashed within him on magnus' behalf because how could anyone be cruel to him? it made such little sense with what a beautiful heart magnus had and over something out of his control. he didn't ask to be born a downworlder but his level of compassionate continuously set him apart. ]

Hey. [ he murmured the word softly, trying to urge magnus to look up at him. ] You're not an abomination, Magnus. Nothing about you is.

[ for alec, magnus practically raised the moon and put all the stars in the sky. he only saw beauty, both inside and out. anyone who thought otherwise was wrong. knowing now magnus believed it made an ache clench in his chest. ]

[ magnus looks at alec, but he looks guarded. that's only part of the story. it's not the part that haunts him the most. it's not the part of the story that only supports what his step father was saying about him.

he wants to stop talking about this and tell alec he's sweet and kinder than any man he's ever known and let that be the end of that. but it would only be half of the truth, and alec deserves all of it for his patience. not only that, but magnus wants to be honest with him. it's important. this, this thing they have, it's more important than any relationship he's had. ]

I don't know about that, [ he says, shaking his head. he looks down again, because it's easier to do that when his throat feels so tight and tears burn in his eyes. ] I burned him. On the spot. I used... all the magic I had in me and I killed him.

[ now he definitely can't look alec in the eyes, too afraid to see him flinch and move back, too afraid to see alec look at him like the other shadowhunters do, like someone to fear and be disgusted by, someone worth less than the dirt on their shoes. so he stares down, wipes at his wet cheek with a hand and sniffs, almost expecting to quietly hear the door of his loft click shut. ]

[ the pain practically radiating off magnus told alec there were other parts to the story but he remained silent for the time being. he knew magnus needed time to gather his thoughts and navigate through is feelings. ones he kept hidden for so long, nonetheless. a feat he understood all too well because sometimes it felt easier to just bury things down than deal with the repercussions. besides, some things were too all consuming to handle alone.

but magnus needed to know he would never be alone again. he would be there through everything, no matter how difficult things became. they were a team.

rubbing his fingertips along magnus' arms, he paused when the man finally confessed the rest of the story. no wonder he felt so distraught and lost. ]

You were just a kid. [ alec whispered, cupping magnus' cheek to brush away the tears with his thumb. ] And you were hurt and betrayed. You just lost your mother and - [ He shook his head, trying to tilt magnus' face up to look at him. ]

You are beautiful and I'm sorry he didn't see that.

[ somehow, alec is still here. even after hearing the whole story. magnus looks up to look at him, thinking he must look like a mess, snivelling like this, and yet alec's calling him beautiful. knowing he murdered someone.

his hand comes to rest at alec's arm, and he feels all choked up again just from the sheer relief of getting that off his shoulders and of alec actually touching him in the after math. alec's hand on his face is warm and just the kind of reassuring comfort he wants right now.

but he has to keep being honest. and not excuse this. ]

Child or not, Alexander, I had this... this side of me, ever since I've been a child. [ a side that makes him ashamed of himself, because it's what the clave and shadowhunters always claim. that downworlders have an evil in them that is looking to hurt others, that they all, eventually, turn toward it. ]

I never wanted you to see it.

[ to be blamed for something so horrifying had to nearly hurt worse than the act itself. as just a kid, magnus lost his entire world and the look his eyes sometimes took on made sense now. the flash of hurt when even the hint of abandonment appeared all fit into place. he understood and needed to keep it in mind more for the future. he never wanted to add to the hurts and only wanted to help magnus, to have the man look at himself the way he saw him. ]

The only side I see is someone strong enough to overcome and become someone who helps others. You risk your life, Magnus, all the time and you're an example of what downworlders can be. Should be.

[ he shook his head, leaning up to press a kiss to magnus' cheek. ]

Downworlders aren't evil and neither are you. It isn't about what we are but what we decide to do with what we're given.

[ magnus has always had a fear of being alone, of being abandoned. those events set the ball rolling for them, and then the many years he lived since exacerbated it. there's camille, too, who took his heart and used it against him until she'd gone too far. after her, he never wanted to let anyone in that close again.

then he'd met alec. who is again displaying such maturity and steadfast support that magnus doesn't know what he did to deserve it. it feels unearned, when he's never felt it like this before.

he closes his eyes when alec kisses his cheek, a few more tears running down his face, but this time more of relief than anything. ]

Thank you, [ is all he can think to say, barely above a whisper. actually, there's something else he can think to say, something important: ] I love you.

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